Not saying much

Monday, 25 August 2014

I’ve noticed today that most of my posts lately begin with ‘who the hell reads this blog anymore?’ I realise this is annoying to read as someone who isn’t the author of this blog. It’s not fishing for compliments, it’s me wondering what I’m doing, or not doing, with this blog. So many things are conspiring to not make me want to blog, not least of which is me not quite feeling like me.

It will take a while to get used to the changes that have occurred in my life, to really comfortably sink back into my skin. In Australia, even at my lowest point of ‘what am I going to do with my life/career’ panic, I always held onto this version of myself that I could comfortably sink into – it’s a version that I feel is me without the self-defensiveness, shyness, insecurity. It usually comes out through daydreams, or night-dreams, where I could picture stories in my head and just enjoy them. I haven’t been dreaming much lately – of course, I have normal dreams when I sleep, what I mean is, I don’t really feel like me enough to take those elaborate awake dreams with stories I like to make up. This may explain why I’m writing more poetry lately, because I find it easier to write disjointed, metaphorical sentences, rather than big long narratives.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, and it’s most likely a temporary thing. You don’t just make huge life changes and feel completely comfortable in a few short months. You certainly don’t when you do it alone. I’m not unhappy, there are many things in my life that have changed for the better, and for the first time I’m getting paid to do work I love full time. I feel useful, productive, appreciated. Those are not things to be diminished. But I don’t quite feel like me yet. This makes it hard to visit my blog and write. This place only makes sense when I make sense. But then, I do like that it exists and is here waiting for me when I need it.

8 comments:

B Kaur said...

I've had that disjointed, lost feeling when I've moved away from home. Luckily, I always come back within a few months. When I'm going through something that makes me feel unlike myself, I take those experiences as opportunities to write about. I hope you feel more comfortable, more like yourself, soon. Take care. x

rooth said...

It definitely takes awwwhilllleeee. I've lived in this old "new town" for over a year and a half and I still feel like I just got here. Take your time and let us know when you get back!

Gabriela said...

I haven't been here for so long (I haven't been on any blog, though, not just yours), but it still makes me sad to come back to a post like this. I hope you feel better soon! I'm definitely going to be coming back now, and I think lots of people always will.

Niina Tanskanen said...

No rush, your blog will sit in my reader for a long time even if it´s not regularly updated. But of course it would be interesting to read your unsettled views of England etc. now that you´ve finally arrived there ;-)

Iren said...

I totally know what you are talking about...!
But please keep that place, don't give it up and what and whenever you came back and write something, I'm happy to read your thoughts!

Waiting in patience and wishing you all the best
iren

Rambling Tart said...

I sure understand, Hila. XO I've been going through some deep healing the past couple of months, and although it's been good, it also leaves me feeling like I don't fit in my skin anymore. And like you, my writing has lessened. But it's OK. :-) We're allowed to shed old skins and take time for the new ones to shimmy into place.

vegetablej said...

There is profound growth when you change countries. Your perspective on everything you thought you knew changes as you see things through the eyes of the new culture. Often you feel like a ghost walking through an alien landscape, or a dream. It takes a lot of introspection, immersing yourself in your surroundings, new people, whatever, and time to come to grips with it. The good news is that it will be fantastic for your artistic growth, eventually. And then there's the whole acculturation thing with cycles of love/hate for your new place and people. I remember a period in Japan where I couldn't travel on the trains without a newspaper in front of my face to screen out _everything_. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

:)

Megan Champion said...

We are still reading… Its been so long since I have been over here, life has a way of derailing us doesn't it?

So many of my favorite bloggers have stopped blogging, Im glad to see you are still here :)