Some pleasure

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

I’ve been feeling so lousy lately, in every possible way. It is physically draining and makes me feel like a kid wanting to hide beneath the blanket. My escapism comes in many forms, including playing with my new waterlogue app. And reading poetry. And cuddling with the cat. And skype conversations with my mother.

The loneliness and homesickness feel worse now due to many reasons, and probably because it’s my birthday soon. All those birthday rituals I’m used to will change. I’m trying not to feel too sorry for myself, as it doesn’t help, and I have plenty of work to keep me occupied. And I just keep reminding myself that I love my new job and that I’m here for a very good reason, and I would probably be more sad if I were in Australia now, without such a good job.

Mostly though, I’m just angry at myself for not taking care of myself as I should. I’m not a child anymore, and I know the pseudo-virtuousness of overworking to the point of exhaustion is only alluring in romantic theory rather than in practice. Many people use the ‘I’m so busy’ line as a badge of honour. I’m not. There’s nothing virtuous about not carving out proper time for pleasure and it’s counter-productive to doing good work efficiently. So here is a poem and some flowers.

By Maccabit Malkin from 'When Leaves Fall'.
By Maccabit Malkin from When Leaves Fall.





helen tilston said...

Hello Hila

Wishing you a very happy birthday. I understand your situation being in Europe with a family in Australia. I one time lived in Australia and had family in Ireland. Thankfully blue moods are temporary and I am sure you are feeling cheered up already.
Sending fond wishes

Sera said...

Happy soon Birthday Hila :) I can also totally relate - live in Austria, family is in New Zealand. I'm lucky to have found a wonderful family and many friends here, wishing the same for you xx


Rambling Tart said...

I love that you're creating such inspiring art with your new app, Hila. :-) It would delight me no end as well. I can only imagine how lonely it is there. Work doesn't substitute for people. When I'm lonely I often hide behind heaps of work and it never solves a bloody thing. It's only when, like you, I take time for self-care that the aching bits heal and gain hope. XO

Maura said...

An early happy birthday to you! I hope you find many wonderful new ways to celebrate this year.

bex said...

I'm four months in to a big move from Oz to London, and recently celebrated (lamented) over quite a big birthday, feeling the same - a bit homesick, generally anxious that it's just passing by without any fanfare. But then the day came and went, and ... it was okay. I made plans to travel (hello Europe!) which is one of the reasons for moving.

It's getting easier - so chin up! (but I can totally sympathise with the wish to hide away for a while...I'm having one of those weeks!). Happy birthday for very soon...

rooth said...

I've never been able to get used to birthdays away from family so I can imagine the homesickness is hitting you extra hard right around now. Hope more skype calls and some birthday cards make it a little bit better