Monday, 5 August 2013

It’s my birthday on Wednesday, so if you’d like to buy something from my shop, you now have two days before I close it. Thanks to those who have bought prints and zines as your money will go to good places.

In high school, I used to think that when you reached the age of thirty, something clicked in your brain and suddenly you ‘fit’ and no longer felt restless. I wish my teenage self was correct, but at the same time, maybe I should be grateful that she isn’t. Nothing has clicked, and I don’t feel different. I’m still me, ever restless, ever wanting. I feel a little sad about my life now; I also feel optimistic and hoping that good things will come. I’m not a special little snowflake, and I join many others who stop to reflect about their lives on their birthdays with a touch of anxiety mixed with hope. The fact that I’m able to stop and reflect shows me how much I have to be grateful for. But I want so much, and I don’t think that wanting will disappear into cool calmness as I enter a new decade in my life. Which is to say, I don’t know what to expect, but I expect so much.

When Angela Carter introduced a collection of essays she wrote, she told the reader:

“The pieces aren’t arranged chronologically because I didn’t start reviewing seriously until I was thirty-five years old and fully grown up; my tastes were pretty much formed, I knew what liked although every now and then something new would astonish me and still does. But there is a consistency of taste, if not chronology. I haven’t changed much, over the years. I use less adjectives now, and have a kinder heart, perhaps.” (Expletives Deleted, 1992)

I don’t feel I will change much turning thirty. But I will try to use less adjectives and develop a kinder heart. I’ll keep working on the latter. I can’t promise much on the former; let’s face it, I like my adjectives.


ronnie said...

happy birthday! (for wednesday)

30 went by with a 'meh' for me.... 40 was my big milestone, but its wasn't really the birthday that did it - a few weeks after I celebrated entering my 5th decade a very dear childhood friend tragically lost his life.... he was just shy of his 40th and something inside me just popped....

The dreadful event ushered in a whole range of changes (I wish I could say it gave me clarity and kindness and all good things... but no.... I'm hoping my 50th will do that... I haven't got too long to wait...)

Teresa said...

I don't know why I was so worried about turning 30. Maybe it's because I felt it was the age that meant I was 'officially' grown up and my life in order… I'm still working on that (!) but I like your thought about developing a kinder heart. Everyone should do that. :)

Happy birthday for Wednesday!

helen tilston said...

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday. You are at a wonderful age and you very mature, intelligent and kind.
May your life be blessed even more

Maša Nikolov said...

happy happy birthday Hila! I thought you were a little older - regarding your mature writing style.
I always feel quite melanholic on my b-days. I don't really like to celebrate them, although it's not because of getting older. it just throws me into deep thinking about my existency. so it's more like celebrating a little existential crisis every year. :)
I wish you all the best.

Andi of My Beautiful Adventures said...

Happy Birthday! 30 was an awesome year for me, I'm sure it will be awesome for you too!!! Make sure to surround yourself with love and happiness on the day. :)

Rambling Tart said...

A kinder heart is more than enough to focus on and will no doubt make you the happiest. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Hila. :-) Wishing you a wonderful year full of interesting discoveries about yourself and your world, and much real love and fulfillment. xo

hungryandfrozen said...

A kinder heart is never a bad thing, especially if that includes being kinder to one's self- certainly a goal of mine.

Happy, happy birthday to you Hila - even if things haven't clicked I think you're doing even better than if they had.

Laura Tjitradjaja said...

A kinder heart is def something that I would like to focus on myself! I was actually freaking out when I turned to 30 but now I'm all meh about it, still learning to be a grown up but I really just want to embrace and enjoy life with a more positive attitude. Anyho, happy birthday Hila!! May your years to come be full of wisdom and awesomeness.

querido diário said...

I'm 36 and i think a kinder heart i am but still restless*

Hila said...

ronnie: maybe we never achieve clarity? Isn't that a scary thought, hmm ...

Teresa: That's what I thought too - I'm supposed to have it all figured out by now. Obviously, this is not the case.

Helen: Thank you! That's high praise, I'll endeavour to live up to it.

Masa: Thank you! I guess if you'd met me in person, you'd think I was younger, ha. I don't normally feel melancholy on my birthdays, but I do tend to get reflective on them.

Andi: Thanks very much!

Krista: Thank you, and the same back to you!

Laura: Oh, I really hope I'm doing ok - and that I'll do better than this.

Laura: Thanks Laura! I am a bit meh, and a bit anxious :)

querido diário: Knowing me, I'll probably be restless in my old age.

rooth said...

Happy belated Hila. As one who is also turning 30 this year, I get the feeling of dread but also anticipation. It just gets better, I've been reassured, and I intend to make sure it does

Hila said...

rooth: Thank you!